Confident days

This blog post will be quite unusual and personal, but as I have discussed social anxiety on my blog before, I thought maybe it would be worth talking about this. It's not much of a cheery subject, but I believe that I am capable discussing this in a serious and real way.

Life with social anxiety, as it is with most issues, has its good days and bad days. I have days when I desperately want to avoid any kind of social interaction, and I have days when it's not so bad. I have days where I feel like I could approach someone and start a conversation, and maybe it wouldn't be that much of a big deal. Obviously, the anxiety I feel doesn't simply disappear - I still don't feel completely comfortable in a lot of scenarios. For a while, however, it dies down. 

The idea for this blog post came to mind because throughout the past few days, I haven't felt so scared. I have been able to speak to more people in and out of school, which I have found to be really nice - a lot of the time I feel like I don't know many of the people in my classes, which is weird, considering how much time I spend with them each week! 

I get streaks like these every now and again, and I really cherish them. I know that eventually they will go away.

Like any streak, they don't last forever. Occasionally I will find that they just fade, or maybe I will do something where I feel like I am out of my depth, and will become so panicked and shaken up that I can't handle the situation. 

I was stuck in a situation like this around a month ago where I was sharing my idea with a class of roughly 30 people, and suddenly realised that what I was saying was stupid. It was seriously dumb, and I could tell that everyone else thought so too. And I could feel all 30 pairs of eyes staring at me, as if to say "Seriously? Are you seriously saying this? What's wrong with you?". Suddenly, I didn't feel as if my idea was clever at all, but I couldn't back out. I finished saying what I was saying, because the only thing worse than carrying on was stopping mid-explanation. I could feel my heart hammering in my chest, like I was falling or something. I kept thinking, What the hell are you on about? How stupid could you possibly be?. Eventually, I became so overwhelmingly anxious that I couldn't bare to stay in the room any more, even though the teacher had changed the subject and moved on. No one was looking at me any more, yet I still felt as if they were. My friend, who knows what I'm like (or was just beginning to understand), was sitting next to me, looking at me in this really concerned way. She kept asking whether I was okay and whether or not I wanted to step outside. Although I was too panicked to tell her at the time, I was extremely grateful for how well she handled the situation. Eventually, I followed my friend's advice and asked the teacher if I could leave to get a drink. To my relief, the teacher said yes. I think she understood. 

Until that point in the lesson, I had been absolutely fine. I had only had a mini-freak-out in the build up to my speaking assessment, which, to my surprise, I actually ended up surviving without freaking out too much - I didn't shake or stammer at all, and the class actually laughed at a few of my jokes! Needless to say, I was feeling pretty pleased with myself. Then suddenly, those brief feelings of triumph were gone, and I felt worse than ever. It was like going back to Square 1. 

The reason I sometimes dread these "confident days" is because they don't last forever. What usually keeps me going is that I feel like, gradually, I might be gaining confidence. I'm more confident now than I think I was a year ago, which is good. Last year was quite a bad year for me in terms of social anxiety, especially since the two halves of our year group mixed, meaning that I was forced to make encounters with people I had never spoken to before. I also discovered that some really good friends who I was used to having classes with before would no longer be in my classes any more, which upset me, as I feel as if my confidence can be largely affected by the people I am around. If I am with someone I know and trust, I tend to be a lot more comfortable. 

So, for now, I suppose I am okay. Although I am a worry-er (as my mum puts it) and will basically become overly anxious about anything, no matter how small it might be, I believe that I am alright. 

As this blog post isn't really like my usual ones, I don't expect anyone to comment or anything like that. However, if you do understand, please do let me know. That would be really cool of you :)

Speak to you soon,
Lucy x