At this point in my blog, I think I am just writing for me. I don't actually remember the last time I posted on here (I checked - the 13th March... yikes) because I have basically abandoned it - after my GCSE's, I tried time and time again to write something that was relevant to my life and I was proud of, but I simply couldn't. I think it's safe to say that the part of my blog where I write scheduled and structured blog posts is officially over (though my blog and I had a good run!).
But it's the structure and certainty of doing something like this that I'm really right now, in my life in general. Obviously, my exams are over, and I have to pick what I'm doing for the next two years of my life (teenagers must be in education or some form of work/apprenticeship until the age of 18 in Britain). The issue is: I have no clue.
Everyone around me has some idea. I know for a fact that I'm going to a sixth form (that's the only thing I'm certain of!), and then almost certainly university to study writing, drama and film (I'm not sure what I'll prioritise by that point in my life). What's really getting to me is that my friends and everyone else my age seems to have a definite plan for the next two years - they know which sixth form they're going to, exactly what they have to do to get in there and what preparation they need to do (summer work is also concerning me). I, on the other hand, don't know which sixth form I'm going to.
There are two sixth forms at the moment. Two perfectly lovely considerations for where to go. I know that if my grades aren't all I'd hoped them to be, then I definitely can't get into one of them, though I will most likely get into the other. This option will mean that I have no choice in the matter of which-one-do-I-actually-go-to-uuuugggh. If my grades are the same as the ones predicted on my UCAS account, then I will have to choose between the two sixth forms (obviously, this is the better option, because then the decision will be made by me rather than my grades).
A large portion of my current struggle lies in the fact that I can't change the past, and that I don't know what my past accomplishments have amounted to. I'll look back at an exam and think "Oh my gosh, I could have done so much better!", and I can't turn back time and write whatever I wish I had written, or calm myself down enough to have figured out exactly what to write in the time limit. I also can't see how well I've done, so I can't assure myself that everything will be okay or make whatever preparations I need to make for my future. I have a load of summer work to do, and I don't even know where I'm going.
I know that this whole blog post was a huge rant - I'm sorry (not that many people are likely to be reading due to the fact that there are cobwebs being spun around my blog right now, but I feel responsible still for the kind people who have taken the time to stick around)! I can't figure out whether I've missed blogging or not. Honestly, I just feel like I should be producing some form of content at the moment, because that's something I'm not doing as much.
I haven't mentioned this on OpenLetters the blog yet, but I've started a poetry blog on WordPress (I'm a traitor, I know!). I've really been enjoying reading and writing poetry recently, so I thought it would be a fun idea. It's very different from anything I've done on here before - I've posted poems here, but there's a lot of other stuff on here that I would never include on there. I've got a few poems coming up soon, hopefully, so I would be incredibly grateful if you could take the time to check that out.
I think that's all I have to say, although this whole thing was more of a therapeutic experience than a planned and carefully written post, so thank you for reading!
Lucy x
