This time last week, I had just finished performing in my stage school's second and final performance of Grease. I had been ensemble that day, as we were double-cast, and I had played Rizzo the night before. I remember being ecstatic on both of the performance days, whilst still feeling as if the performances were surreal. We had been working on the show since September last year, and for it to be over and done with so quickly made me feel as if there had been so little closure. I felt as if there should have been a wind-down from it, so that we could gradually be reintroduced to the new world, but instead it felt as if I had been dropped suddenly.
In the few weeks leading up to the performance, the rehearsal schedule had been intense - my friend discovered that, in the week of the performance, we would be there for a total of 36 hours(!!), or something insane like that. The weird thing was: I didn't care. I loved performing Grease, and I never got particularly tired of it - despite the few times backstage where I thought I might fall asleep (I didn't, luckily, though others weren't as fortunate). I didn't even mind too much that I was rehearsing all weekend most weeks, and the people there we so so lovely. Looking back, it's incredible that I ended up feeling that way, considering the fact that I very almost quit my group right before they announced the roles. Social anxiety was getting the better of me, and I felt completely isolated in the rehearsals. I knew the people around me were nice, yet I couldn't manage to speak to them, or if I did, then all conversation (rather ironically) felt very rehearsed in my head. It was never a matter of disliking the people around me - I knew they were lovely - the problem was me.
You'd think it odd that I recognised this, yet still felt the way I did. I knew it was in my head, and that people probably didn't hate me at all, but the knowledge didn't help me. That was the thing. It was all in my head.
Slowly, though, I began to cope with it. For many rehearsals, I tried my hardest to cling to the one friend I had made which, in hindsight, she probably found irritating! But after more weeks of rehearsal, and more scenes with more people around me, I got better at it. I was able to approach more people as I began working with them, and it felt more natural and less rehearsed. When I opened my mouth, I didn't feel as if I was scripting what I was saying - I just said what I was thinking. I began to realise that the people around me sensed this, and acted more naturally around me too.
I honestly think my character helped me too. For those of you who haven't seen Grease, Rizzo is, confidence-wise, the polar opposite of me. She is impulsive and abrasive, covering all vulnerability as best she can in order to seem tough. She's not scared of people, whether she is flirting with boys or telling another girl what she thinks of her. Obviously, she forced me out of my comfort zone in just the way I needed. I didn't have time to let my own awkwardness force me away from a situation, I just went for it. Most of all, I loved her humour and sarcasm - in fact, those were probably the two things we had in common, and I found her the most fun of all the characters. I got to be aggressive and flirtatious and sassy and vulnerable. I don't know which I found more fun, though my highlight of the show was definitely singing There Are Worse Things I Could Do.
Unlike in the movie, in the stage play, Rizzo sings the song to Sandy as a way of explaining herself. Sandy has finally found Rizzo's vulnerable side - something no one has ever done before - and Rizzo is angry. Quickly though, this anger turns into upset, as she finds herself exposed, and runs offstage at the end of the number before Sandy can see her cry ("But to cry in front of you... That's the worst thing I could do"). It's Rizzo's vulnerable side that made her the most fascinating and emotional of all the characters, as she proves that there are many layers to a person. I will miss all of Grease, even the parts that terrified me at first, but I love that song especially. I will miss that song.
There are millions of other things I will miss, but I think that's why I feel as if I have been dropped since I stopped my constant cycle of rehearsing and performing. To be honest, I think that if I had been rehearsing for many more weekends I might have been driven insane, but I right now I miss it dearly! I've sort of crashed - I'm not sure what to do with myself, and it's been difficult adjusting to the real world again. Mock exams and revision and the normal school atmosphere just feel weird now, like I should be somewhere else. In a way, I think that working on Grease gave me a taster of what life will be like when I leave school - I was surrounded by people who were passionate about the same things as me, and I was treated as an equal by everyone. Many of the people there are older than me, as the group is for 15-18 year-olds, so it probably didn't feel as odd for them to return to the real world, but I think I'm in shock!
Today, I've tried to relax. Yesterday I was busy, and I haven't had much of a break this week in general as I am preparing for drama performances, so today I was simply wandering around the house in pyjamas. Straight after the show ended, I got a nasty cold and sore throat, so I'm trying to go get rid of that, too. I'm trying to be thankful for the convenient timing - as I no longer have to sing - but I'm not particularly amused all the same.
Speak to you soon,
Lucy x
