This blog post will be quite unusual and personal, but as I have discussed social anxiety on my blog before, I thought maybe it would be worth talking about this. It's not much of a cheery subject, but I believe that I am capable discussing this in a serious and real way.
Life with social anxiety, as it is with most issues, has its good days and bad days. I have days when I desperately want to avoid any kind of social interaction, and I have days when it's not so bad. I have days where I feel like I could approach someone and start a conversation, and maybe it wouldn't be that much of a big deal. Obviously, the anxiety I feel doesn't simply disappear - I still don't feel completely comfortable in a lot of scenarios. For a while, however, it dies down.
The idea for this blog post came to mind because throughout the past few days, I haven't felt so scared. I have been able to speak to more people in and out of school, which I have found to be really nice - a lot of the time I feel like I don't know many of the people in my classes, which is weird, considering how much time I spend with them each week!
I get streaks like these every now and again, and I really cherish them. I know that eventually they will go away.
Like any streak, they don't last forever. Occasionally I will find that they just fade, or maybe I will do something where I feel like I am out of my depth, and will become so panicked and shaken up that I can't handle the situation.
I was stuck in a situation like this around a month ago where I was sharing my idea with a class of roughly 30 people, and suddenly realised that what I was saying was stupid. It was seriously dumb, and I could tell that everyone else thought so too. And I could feel all 30 pairs of eyes staring at me, as if to say "Seriously? Are you seriously saying this? What's wrong with you?". Suddenly, I didn't feel as if my idea was clever at all, but I couldn't back out. I finished saying what I was saying, because the only thing worse than carrying on was stopping mid-explanation. I could feel my heart hammering in my chest, like I was falling or something. I kept thinking, What the hell are you on about? How stupid could you possibly be?. Eventually, I became so overwhelmingly anxious that I couldn't bare to stay in the room any more, even though the teacher had changed the subject and moved on. No one was looking at me any more, yet I still felt as if they were. My friend, who knows what I'm like (or was just beginning to understand), was sitting next to me, looking at me in this really concerned way. She kept asking whether I was okay and whether or not I wanted to step outside. Although I was too panicked to tell her at the time, I was extremely grateful for how well she handled the situation. Eventually, I followed my friend's advice and asked the teacher if I could leave to get a drink. To my relief, the teacher said yes. I think she understood.
Until that point in the lesson, I had been absolutely fine. I had only had a mini-freak-out in the build up to my speaking assessment, which, to my surprise, I actually ended up surviving without freaking out too much - I didn't shake or stammer at all, and the class actually laughed at a few of my jokes! Needless to say, I was feeling pretty pleased with myself. Then suddenly, those brief feelings of triumph were gone, and I felt worse than ever. It was like going back to Square 1.
The reason I sometimes dread these "confident days" is because they don't last forever. What usually keeps me going is that I feel like, gradually, I might be gaining confidence. I'm more confident now than I think I was a year ago, which is good. Last year was quite a bad year for me in terms of social anxiety, especially since the two halves of our year group mixed, meaning that I was forced to make encounters with people I had never spoken to before. I also discovered that some really good friends who I was used to having classes with before would no longer be in my classes any more, which upset me, as I feel as if my confidence can be largely affected by the people I am around. If I am with someone I know and trust, I tend to be a lot more comfortable.
So, for now, I suppose I am okay. Although I am a worry-er (as my mum puts it) and will basically become overly anxious about anything, no matter how small it might be, I believe that I am alright.
As this blog post isn't really like my usual ones, I don't expect anyone to comment or anything like that. However, if you do understand, please do let me know. That would be really cool of you :)
Speak to you soon,
Lucy x
Thursday 30 April 2015
Saturday 18 April 2015
Heeyyy...
Hey, guys. Sorry, I know it's been a long time since I've blogged, so I'm hoping you haven't forgotten about me in the past month!
Although it may seem like it, I promise I haven't forgotten about my blog. For those of you who don't live in Britain, we have just had a two week Easter holiday, which was the most fun and relaxation I've had in a long time. I didn't even mind that much that I had to do science revision every day to prepare for our exam in May, it still felt like a holiday to me.
I tried to dedicate as much of it as possible to making YouTube videos without it completely consuming my life, though during these two weeks I only managed to upload two videos (I filmed another one that I am still in the process of editing). It annoys me when people talk about YouTubers like their job is easy and anyone could do it, because these people put in so much more effort than others seem to understand.
Yes, part of this time is spent sitting in front of a camera, talking, but there are also other parts of the video making process that take place before the video is uploaded. Before the person can sit in front of the camera, they tend to plan the video, and then afterwards so much editing is involved. If I film and upload a video in the same day, I tend to dedicate that entire day on one video. That doesn't mean that I don't like making videos - please don't think I'm moaning; it just means that I love it enough to spend a lot of time on it (my last video was originally 30 minutes long - it crashed my editing software!). I just feel like more people should understand this.
Other than this, I enjoyed spending time with my friends, and not just during lunch breaks at school! I have friends who are in many of my classes at school and I have friends who I have never had a class with in my life, so I don't get to see very often. We were planning to have a picnic at some point, but somehow forgot to take into account that we live in England, and spring doesn't truly begin until halfway through April. We are still to have that picnic, but there were many 1am video chats! One day I randomly decided to invite some friends round to make Easter nests, inspired by Dan and Phil's latest baking video, which were basically the least healthy things I have ever eaten in my entire life. It was kinda scary - my dad even described them as having "too much chocolate"... I didn't even know there was such a thing.
However, I learned to forgive myself, as despite the Easter eggs and the crazy Easter nests, I was actually surprisingly healthy during the holidays (shock horror). For once in my life, I think I actually care about drinking enough water, having a balanced diet and exercising, and during the holidays I actually began to notice the change in my lifestyle affecting me. Obviously, I am not the healthiest person on Earth - I am sure that I would still curl up in a pool of my own tears if someone made me play football or lift weights, and I am probably over-exaggerating all this anyway - but I am content with my health for now.
The only thing that I wasn't so productive with was my sleeping pattern (and my that I mean that I don't think that I even had a sleeping pattern). I have always had a problem in my sleeping pattern in that I never get tired in the night and then am practically a zombie in the morning, and during the holidays it just got worse. I got to the point where I was falling asleep at around 3:30am and then sleeping in till midday, by which time I drag myself out of bed and eat a bowl of cereal only to have lunch almost immediately afterwards.
Of course, you can imagine how much of a mess I was when I had to wake up at 7 o'clock on Monday to go to school. I was an exhausted, emotional wreck for most of the day (I spent my first lesson crying over fictional characters) and since my meal times were so scrambled, by lunch time I was ravenous. If you are a person who is in control of their sleeping pattern:
1) I envy you
2) Please don't have a sleeping pattern like mine out of choice. You have no idea how freaking lucky you are.
I feel like these days, many people view it as cool to stay up late and sleep until midday the next day, as if it's just what teenagers are supposed to do.
From the perspective of someone who wishes dearly that she was a morning person and wasn't a zombie for most of the day: it's not. Please, get some sleep! By the time it was Friday, I was absolutely wrecked. I was planning on being productive and going into science at the end of the day to help improve my grade, but I just found that I was too tired. My mood was terrible and I could barely keep my eyes open - when I went home, I went straight to bed in my school uniform, and even then I couldn't sleep.
Today, I am glad to say that I am much better. I am still kind of droopy and I actually had a nap earlier (something that made me feel really old), but I am in a much better emotional state - you don't have to worry about me or anything.
You have almost definitely noticed throughout this blog post that I have completely different background and am using a different font from usual. I have decided to make my newer blog posts look slightly less like they were written by a typewriter (though I still love typewriters). I have also made this change in the captions on my YouTube videos. I don't know whether I'll keep my font like this, but for now I quite like it. I feel like it looks like my writing could be inside a book (what a rubbish book that would be, haha).
I really hope to write more blog posts in the future, I have really missed doing this!
Lucy x
Although it may seem like it, I promise I haven't forgotten about my blog. For those of you who don't live in Britain, we have just had a two week Easter holiday, which was the most fun and relaxation I've had in a long time. I didn't even mind that much that I had to do science revision every day to prepare for our exam in May, it still felt like a holiday to me.
I tried to dedicate as much of it as possible to making YouTube videos without it completely consuming my life, though during these two weeks I only managed to upload two videos (I filmed another one that I am still in the process of editing). It annoys me when people talk about YouTubers like their job is easy and anyone could do it, because these people put in so much more effort than others seem to understand.
Yes, part of this time is spent sitting in front of a camera, talking, but there are also other parts of the video making process that take place before the video is uploaded. Before the person can sit in front of the camera, they tend to plan the video, and then afterwards so much editing is involved. If I film and upload a video in the same day, I tend to dedicate that entire day on one video. That doesn't mean that I don't like making videos - please don't think I'm moaning; it just means that I love it enough to spend a lot of time on it (my last video was originally 30 minutes long - it crashed my editing software!). I just feel like more people should understand this.
Other than this, I enjoyed spending time with my friends, and not just during lunch breaks at school! I have friends who are in many of my classes at school and I have friends who I have never had a class with in my life, so I don't get to see very often. We were planning to have a picnic at some point, but somehow forgot to take into account that we live in England, and spring doesn't truly begin until halfway through April. We are still to have that picnic, but there were many 1am video chats! One day I randomly decided to invite some friends round to make Easter nests, inspired by Dan and Phil's latest baking video, which were basically the least healthy things I have ever eaten in my entire life. It was kinda scary - my dad even described them as having "too much chocolate"... I didn't even know there was such a thing.
However, I learned to forgive myself, as despite the Easter eggs and the crazy Easter nests, I was actually surprisingly healthy during the holidays (shock horror). For once in my life, I think I actually care about drinking enough water, having a balanced diet and exercising, and during the holidays I actually began to notice the change in my lifestyle affecting me. Obviously, I am not the healthiest person on Earth - I am sure that I would still curl up in a pool of my own tears if someone made me play football or lift weights, and I am probably over-exaggerating all this anyway - but I am content with my health for now.
The only thing that I wasn't so productive with was my sleeping pattern (and my that I mean that I don't think that I even had a sleeping pattern). I have always had a problem in my sleeping pattern in that I never get tired in the night and then am practically a zombie in the morning, and during the holidays it just got worse. I got to the point where I was falling asleep at around 3:30am and then sleeping in till midday, by which time I drag myself out of bed and eat a bowl of cereal only to have lunch almost immediately afterwards.
Of course, you can imagine how much of a mess I was when I had to wake up at 7 o'clock on Monday to go to school. I was an exhausted, emotional wreck for most of the day (I spent my first lesson crying over fictional characters) and since my meal times were so scrambled, by lunch time I was ravenous. If you are a person who is in control of their sleeping pattern:
1) I envy you
2) Please don't have a sleeping pattern like mine out of choice. You have no idea how freaking lucky you are.
I feel like these days, many people view it as cool to stay up late and sleep until midday the next day, as if it's just what teenagers are supposed to do.
From the perspective of someone who wishes dearly that she was a morning person and wasn't a zombie for most of the day: it's not. Please, get some sleep! By the time it was Friday, I was absolutely wrecked. I was planning on being productive and going into science at the end of the day to help improve my grade, but I just found that I was too tired. My mood was terrible and I could barely keep my eyes open - when I went home, I went straight to bed in my school uniform, and even then I couldn't sleep.
Today, I am glad to say that I am much better. I am still kind of droopy and I actually had a nap earlier (something that made me feel really old), but I am in a much better emotional state - you don't have to worry about me or anything.
You have almost definitely noticed throughout this blog post that I have completely different background and am using a different font from usual. I have decided to make my newer blog posts look slightly less like they were written by a typewriter (though I still love typewriters). I have also made this change in the captions on my YouTube videos. I don't know whether I'll keep my font like this, but for now I quite like it. I feel like it looks like my writing could be inside a book (what a rubbish book that would be, haha).
I really hope to write more blog posts in the future, I have really missed doing this!
Lucy x
My latest videos:
What I'm currently listening to:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)