She stood before them; all the people she'd hurt and all the people she'd lost, all in an orderly line - almost as if she'd planned it.
She felt them scan her - looking her up and down, some in disgust and some in grief. I did that, she thought to herself. But despite all the guilt that bubbled inside her with self-hatred at all their eyes on her, there was one gaze in particular that destroyed her most. Tore her apart from the inside until she yearned to never feel again. His eyes were full of misery and contempt, but it was more than that. Like before, he stared at her as if he could see inside her brain enough to peer at the jumbled mess of thoughts that not even she understood, capable of picking apart and analysing them. Though it was different this time. His understanding of her brought another emotion to his face: disappointment.
She couldn't bear it - that look. Like he'd expected more of her. Like she'd failed him... Maybe she had.
She couldn't think about it now, though. She had to get on with it, before they turned their attention away and excluded her all over again. She cleared her throat, yet her voice still sounded hoarse, as if she hadn't spoken in days.
"I just- I guess- I wanted to say sorry", she stammered, fumbling over her words. "But it's more than that, because I don't expect you to forgive me. I couldn't ask you to forgive me, in your position. I've fucked up, really". She felt all their eyes pressing into her now - exposing her for who she really was - and she hated it. All the same, she carried on before her carefully thought-out words left her. "I guess I just wanted to let you know that I do try to be better. I am a fuck-up, I know, but I tried to be better... for you". She turned around, directing those last two words at him. There was a change in his expression, but she turned away before she managed to distract herself. "I don't think it's an excuse though, really. I- I just-". Before she could stop herself, her voice caught on the end of her sentence, and she felt tears threaten to fall. "I wanted you to know that I love you, all of you. And I'm sorry you had a friend as shitty as me, because you don't deserve it, and... I don't deserve you".
It was too late. She felt a sob tear through her throat, and she clapped a hand over her mouth. She couldn't remember the last time she had cried in front of another person. Was this what it was like to feel vulnerable?
Feeling completely naked, she turned and ran through the trees, leaping over the roots and nettles, unsure of where she was going and why she was headed there. For a split second, she thought she heard the sound of footsteps pounding behind her, but she refused to stop, charging through the forest as fast as her legs could carry her. Faster and faster.
Away from them.
Away from him.
Away from herself.
-
Suddenly, she felt herself go flying through the air, a tight grip around her waist. She landed hard on her side, though her captor hit the ground first, softening most of the blow. Still, her shin slammed into a tree root, and she momentarily shrieked in pain and shock.
"Sorry, sorry..." he murmured over and over, as he picked himself up off the ground and examined her torn, mud-stained jeans. "You wouldn't stop, you idiot, and I just-". But he didn't get to finish his sentence, because she threw her arms around him, crushing him in the kind of hug where neither of you can breathe, yet neither want to let go. She hadn't noticed, but she was still crying, and now she cried into his shoulder until she could cry no more, arms and legs intertwined.
"I'm sorry, too".
♥
This is just a short(ish) story I wrote the other night after an evening of watching Skins (which seems to be happening a lot lately!). I'm sorry I haven't been very productive with my blog and channel recently - I have plans for my content, it's just that I've been quite ill over the last two weeks, so it's been hard to get anything done. I'm just hoping I can get better for my holiday soon (that would be great)!
Speak to you soon,
Lucy x
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