Hey :)
In this post I am discussing a problem that is quite personal to me, so I suppose I don't really expect many people to understand. However, if you too have this problem, I am only sorry that I can't offer any advice.
Just before we left school for the summer holidays (or "vacation") I had someone approach a friend of mine and ask her a question about me. I don't talk to this person much, so I had no idea what he/she thought of me at the time.
I will not any information on who this person is (or anyone else in this blog entry for that matter), but he/she asked my friend whether I was a goth.
Don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a goth - you can be anything you want to be! In fact, one of my best friends is rather gothic and she totally embraces it.
It's just that I am probably one of the LEAST gothic people I know. And it wasn't just one person that thought this - apparently many people I've hardly even spoken to before have assumed I was a goth. I'm guessing the fact I have hardly even spoken to them before is why they have made such a silly assumption. This kind of upsets me, as I would like people to know me for me, not just what they see from the outside. Only recently do I realise that what they see from the outside isn't very much for them to go on.
That's not to say I want to buddy up with everyone and get to know them one by one, I just wish I didn't see these people as strangers, which I suppose is also what I am to them: a stranger.
To tell you the truth, I really don't want to get to know these people one by one. Why?
1) There are some people in life you just don't want to get to know.
2) I'll admit it, the thought of it TERRIFIES ME.
Recently I have been forced to face the truth about just how shy I really am. As a person, I have so much to say about the world and everything and so many opinions to express. My problem is that as soon as I am around someone I do not know very well, it's like someone's shoved in a plug in my brain to stop the words flowing. It is incredibly distressing and freaks me out quite a bit.
It also makes it incredibly hard for me to make friends.
E.g. I didn't properly open up and start talking to my best friend for about 3 months after I had met her. I'm surprised she was so patient with me!
Another thing that adds to my shyness-induced anxiety is the fact that someone that I would not properly consider a friend, though I have talked to for a year or so, recently asked if I was an emo. Although I sometimes do wonder just how close people pay attention to me at all, it does get to me. It feels like my fault for not talking to people. If you are not familiar with the term, emo tends to stand for "emotionally unstable" or just "emotional". I do not believe I am that person.
Don't get me wrong, I do have a group of understanding friends that are very close to me who know me better than most people ever will (I am so grateful). I am just tired of being a kind of wallflower to so many people sometimes. Often people are given a shock when they realise how loud and clear my voice is when I am not terrified of the people around me (usually when I am acting, for some reason that actually has the ability to calm me down), because when I am talking to someone I am not yet confident with or a large group of people, my voice resorts to a whisper.
Also, my friends told me that I give people I don't know very well this impression because I give them very weird/creepy looks. In truth (and I mean this in the politest way possible!), I give them this look because I don't want to make eye contact with them at all.
Anyway... the first step to solving the problem is admitting to it, right? This feels like a kind of therapy for me. If you have any words of wisdom for me, please comment below or contact me elsewhere!
Speak to you soon,
Lucy x
I'm shy too and I also want to express myself. This is a problem because I want to state my opinions, which makes me excited, but I also want to find a hole to hide in. I always get this feeling in my stomach, it's like it's twisted in knots. It's horrible, and I just want it to stop. For me, though, when I run I'm not so shy anymore.
ReplyDeleteSAME. I always get a twisted feeling in my chest and I can never explain why, but it makes me want to crawl into a hole and stay there.
DeleteThat's interesting to hear, I thought it was just me with a hobby that made me feel more confident. That's really cool :D
I feel your pain! I started being extremely shy and keeping things to myself about a year ago, and the reason was I started liking a boy. >.< I dunno, since then, I've just never been the outgoing, confident girl I was! And yes, it's the same for me, whenever I'm in a situation where I have to talk to strangers, I have no idea what to say and I just stay quiet and nod whenever they want to talk to me. It's awful, I know, but some people get the wrong idea about the reason why I'm shy!
ReplyDeleteI've kind of always been like this. There was a point where I had a crush, but I was surprisingly quite confident around him! We stopped talking after a while though, and I felt more shy than ever. That feeling's worn off, but I still get really anxious around people. I usually force my friends to speak instead of me if I'm with them, which sounds really sad when I put that into words, but it's true.
DeleteThank God some people understand! I was worried that I would post this and then everyone would be all like "erm Lucy that's really weird", or just ignore the post altogether.
You are very brave. I was a wallflower when I was your age and I used writing as a way to express my feelings, but I would never have put it online. Kudos to you for having the confidence to do this and wan to discuss it. This is a big step and because of this I don't think you have to worry about being shy. You will gain confidence and learn more about yourself and grow. Btw, I think we have to many labels in this world (goth, emo, etc.) for what is just people working their way through life.
ReplyDelete