My Future and Uncertainty

At this point in my blog, I think I am just writing for me. I don't actually remember the last time I posted on here (I checked - the 13th March... yikes) because I have basically abandoned it - after my GCSE's, I tried time and time again to write something that was relevant to my life and I was proud of, but I simply couldn't. I think it's safe to say that the part of my blog where I write scheduled and structured blog posts is officially over (though my blog and I had a good run!). 

But it's the structure and certainty of doing something like this that I'm really right now, in my life in general. Obviously, my exams are over, and I have to pick what I'm doing for the next two years of my life (teenagers must be in education or some form of work/apprenticeship until the age of 18 in Britain). The issue is: I have no clue. 

Everyone around me has some idea. I know for a fact that I'm going to a sixth form (that's the only thing I'm certain of!), and then almost certainly university to study writing, drama and film (I'm not sure what I'll prioritise by that point in my life). What's really getting to me is that my friends and everyone else my age seems to have a definite plan for the next two years - they know which sixth form they're going to, exactly what they have to do to get in there and what preparation they need to do (summer work is also concerning me). I, on the other hand, don't know which sixth form I'm going to. 

There are two sixth forms at the moment. Two perfectly lovely considerations for where to go. I know that if my grades aren't all I'd hoped them to be, then I definitely can't get into one of them, though I will most likely get into the other. This option will mean that I have no choice in the matter of which-one-do-I-actually-go-to-uuuugggh. If my grades are the same as the ones predicted on my UCAS account, then I will have to choose between the two sixth forms (obviously, this is the better option, because then the decision will be made by me rather than my grades). 

A large portion of my current struggle lies in the fact that I can't change the past, and that I don't know what my past accomplishments have amounted to. I'll look back at an exam and think "Oh my gosh, I could have done so much better!", and I can't turn back time and write whatever I wish I had written, or calm myself down enough to have figured out exactly what to write in the time limit. I also can't see how well I've done, so I can't assure myself that everything will be okay or make whatever preparations I need to make for my future. I have a load of summer work to do, and I don't even know where I'm going. 

I know that this whole blog post was a huge rant - I'm sorry (not that many people are likely to be reading due to the fact that there are cobwebs being spun around my blog right now, but I feel responsible still for the kind people who have taken the time to stick around)! I can't figure out whether I've missed blogging or not. Honestly, I just feel like I should be producing some form of content at the moment, because that's something I'm not doing as much. 

I haven't mentioned this on OpenLetters the blog yet, but I've started a poetry blog on WordPress (I'm a traitor, I know!). I've really been enjoying reading and writing poetry recently, so I thought it would be a fun idea. It's very different from anything I've done on here before - I've posted poems here, but there's a lot of other stuff on here that I would never include on there. I've got a few poems coming up soon, hopefully, so I would be incredibly grateful if you could take the time to check that out.

I think that's all I have to say, although this whole thing was more of a therapeutic experience than a planned and carefully written post, so thank you for reading!
Lucy x

Hello, it's me...

I've tried for so long to create a blog post that summarises the three month break I've taken from blogging, but somehow I can't find the words, so this will have to do. 

Hello, it's me. 


Yes, the gif was necessary. 

One of the main reasons I've felt so determined to write a blog post was because I really don't want to stop blogging altogether. This website was what got me into creating my own content on the internet before my channel or anything else, and I don't want to lose this. As pretentious as it sounds, this blog is a big part of who I am. It's hard to summarise what's been going on since I last blogged, because there is just so much to say. Last week I took my mock GCSE exams. I know that they are mocks, and are not the real thing, but they were so nerve-wracking. It genuinely felt like taking the real thing (and if this is just a small portion of the stress I will receive next year, then I sure am looking forward to that).

The reason why I think they meant so much to me was because they count towards our predicted grades, which our Sixth Form colleges will receive before we take our actual exams. This means that they will be judging us before we even take the exams in the summer, because we not get receive our results immediately following the exams, and the sixth form colleges need something to go on. 

I have not got all of my results back yet as some of my tests are still being marked, though if there's one results that I'm happy with so far is my French reading one, as I received an A*! I've been quite anxious about my French recently as I have felt like I could have been doing better than I have been, so obviously I was thrilled with my mark. Now I need to make sure I focus on my writing assessments, because I have struggled memorising some of those. I think a lot of the pressure I have been feeling could be due to the fact that I have taken French since a young age. You would think this would help, but the fact that I have been learning French for 3-4 years more than everyone else makes me feel like I should always be better, simply because I have that extra experience. At least I now know what I need to focus on to improve!
(Oh God, I sound like a really enthusiastic teacher)

The result that I was definitely dreading the most was definitely my maths result. I have always loathed maths with a fiery passion that resides deep within my soul (it's that bad). What I really hate about maths is that there's no room for opinions or interpretation. Your answer is either right or wrong, which I hate, not only because I find that incredibly boring but also because I am a very opinionated person (I have an opinion on everything!). I know that this is the exact same reason why some people love maths: they'd rather not share their opinion and enjoy the simplicity of the subject.

For some reason though, I was especially nervous about this exam. I had to take two: the non-calculator test and the calculator test. First was the non-calculator test, and I'd been unsatisfied with my results, so I was petrified that I would fail. The calculator test was the last of my exams, so there had been a huge build-up to it. It was like the stress of one exam plus my hatred of maths plus all the stress of the other exams, so needless to say I was glad that I wouldn't have to sit any more after that. 

Long story short, after enduring a rather horrible panic attack before the exam yet still going in to finish it, I ended up passing with a C! I know that for some people a C would be disappointing, but I was so glad I passed as maths is most likely my worst subject (maybe with the exception of PE, but I don't get examined on that), and I thought that was pretty bloody miraculous after having a panic attack beforehand. 

Now that our mock exams our over, the sixth form open days will take place, which I'm excited for. Today I visited the sixth form that I think I am most likely to go to, but obviously I can't be sure yet. Nevertheless, I enjoyed my visit and the atmosphere. I found it weird to see students who weren't in uniform, as I have worn school uniform for as long as I have been in education (though obviously that wasn't the only thing I liked about the place!). 

I think I am going to go now because I am so tired that I feel as if my brain consists of cotton wool, and I have had a long day (I was knocked off my bike this morning on my way to school, but that is a different story). 

Speak to you soon (if I manage to keep this up), 
Lucy xx

My latest video:

The end of a year.

Tomorrow is the last day of Year 10, which also means that it is the last day of school before we officially start exam year, which feels very weird. For years now, my GCSEs have seemed very distant, and general attitude being "If you got a good grade in your test - great! If not, you still have ages before your actual exams! You'll be fine!!". 

Only now, it is different. Our GCSE exams are suddenly upon us and there is no one there to brush it off and say "You'll be fine, it's not the real thing!". 

I don't know why this comes as much as a surprise to me. Although it often excites me, I've never been great with change, and there is something terrifying about getting a bad grade on a test and someone then speculating what that will mean for my future, even if it may not be the real thing. 

Either way, I technically did start my GCSEs this year in that I took my since exams: biology, physics and chemistry (I meant to write about these but, as you can probably imagine, I didn't have much time on my hands!). Sadly, I'm not too great at science. I don't have a very technical brain - I am more creative. My favourite subjects are English and drama, mainly because I like the way both of these things can spark emotion in people as well as empathise with them. I enjoy creating characters and creating situations just as much as I enjoy playing them and throwing myself into those situations.

Although I do like that I am deeply interested in these things, sometimes I do wish that my talents laid in the technical subjects, such as maths, the sciences and ICT. Quite often I stumble across this post on tumblr that expresses how, when students struggle with creative/arty subjects, they are simply reassured that they just don't have a "creative mind" or whatever, whereas when a student struggles with technical subjects, people assume that they are stupid. As someone who often struggled with technical subjects, that post speaks to me a lot. A few months ago I quit my weekly maths tutoring that had been going on for roughly a year (I think) and it was SUCH A RELIEF. Although the place was alright and the people were friendly, I can definitely think of better things to do on my Friday evenings or Saturday mornings than walking up the road to do simultaneous equations or some stupid crap where I would stare at a jumble of signs and numbers with my brain screaming "WAAAT". Since then, my maths has improved A LOT (considering the fact that when I turned up, I couldn't do basic multiplications that I should have learnt in Year 4, or subtract large amounts without using a number line - basically, there were massive gaps in my knowledge!). 

But when it came to sciences, I was still slightly wobbly. I tend to be alright at biology - in some cases, it can genuinely interest me, especially when we are learning about the brain and how it works (just please don't make me dissect anything because I don't personally agree with it, okay). Chemistry and physics tend to be the dodgy ones. However, when it came to my GCSEs, I had to forget that. In the weeks building up to those exams, I revised like hell. This meant a lot of burying my head in textbooks and moaning to my mum that the information in them were just LOTS OF WORDS IN A RANDOM ORDER. 

Honestly, I'd like to tell you how they went, but I have absolutely no idea. I just remember that I was horribly ill and the time (wow, great time to fail me, Immune System - just in time for my first GCSEs!!) and had to suppress my snuffles throughout each and every exam - I just didn't want to be that one kid who sneezes really loudly right in the middle of the test!

We were all so nervous. I got to the end of every exam and had no idea how I'd done or what kind of grade I might receive in August - I was in shock, especially after my very first one. I remember it was a biology exam and I was scared like hell, but I was told that I looked confident because I did what I do before performing. I put on a smile like I knew something that everyone else didn't/I was about to turn the place to the ground, stood up straight and held my head high. It's amazing how confident it can make me feel, especially when I want nothing more than to escape the situation I'm in. 

At first, I was fine. Among a sea of flustered, panicky people, I held my sandwich bag full of everything I would need (pencils, pens, etc.) and pulled my most dangerous face. Afterwards was different. 

As soon as we left the exam hall and everyone started gushing about the exam, some exclaiming "It was so easy" or "It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be!" and some with a horror-struck look on their face that screamed "OH-SHIT-OH-SHIT-OH-SHIT". 

I was on a completely new level, staring into the distance in a kind of trance. 

This spell broke as we approached our lockers to retrieve our bags and I started messing around with my friends as I had suddenly become really hyper. In the end, things got a bit out of hand and I dropped a very heavy lock on my friend's hand as she was crouched on the floor, which looked very very very painful, and I kind of cracked out of the sudden shock, as my hyper-ness was immediately replaced with the all the fear I had for my future. 

I think it would have been better if I had been certain of my grades, because then I wouldn't have to endure the terror or uncertainty. My friends immediately put me back in place by exploding into the rant of "LUCY WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE SO SMART SHH" that I usually hear whenever I have a freak-out like this. 

Even now, I still don't know how I did. My results come in August, so that shall be interesting. Nevertheless, I know that there's nothing I could possibly do to change them now. 

I think that when people think of your last years of secondary school though, they often forget that exams aren't the only things going on. I have changed and grown so much over the past year, and I just think that there's so much else that you can also focus on. 

For instance, I have had very few panic attacks this year as I have become better at controlling and stopping them when I feel them coming. 

I have become better at telling people how I feel in order to make things right. 

I have formed quite a few new friendships and have strengthened some older ones.

I started my YouTube channel and reached over 100 subscribers. 

My blog reached its one year anniversary(!!!!). 

Yeah - I totally forgot that initially! I realised this just before I started writing this, like "Hey, didn't I start my blog just before the summer holidays last year?" and yeah, it did... three days ago (oops!). It's such a crazy thought. These kinds of things don't really cross my mind. 

Thank you to everyone who reads my blog today, whether you found it yesterday or were one of the very first readers :) Feel free to leave your blog in the comments if you'd like me to check it out!

I'm going to leave you now as I struggle to make last-minute after school plans with my friends :) Happy holidays to all of you!

Speak to you soon, 
Lucy x

A Very Important Phone Call

The title sounds really ominous, doesn't it? It's something a term that you can imagine a professional and capable adult saying. Like you're waiting to hear back from your possible future employer, or you're trying to arrange a business meeting. It doesn't sound like a term I should be using. 

Despite this, these were the words that were running through my head as I dialed the number for my work experience placement. I remember them very clearly as my mum had to tell my sister to Please get off YouTube! so that our connection wouldn't fail while I tried to collect the details of my work next week. I was absolutely terrified, and these words stuck with me, refusing to leave me be. 
A very important phone call.
A very important phone call. 

They sounded so alien, and... well... grown up. 

I've never really liked the idea of growing up (#PeterPanProblems). For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a teenager, around 16 years old (though to be honest, I think that this is mainly because the girl who was my best friend throughout childhood was fixated on it), though I've never wanted to be grown up. Growing up means responsibilities and bills and things I didn't even want to begin to consider. 

Don't get me wrong, responsibilities can be cool. Now that I am in Year 10 and 15 years old, I have began to appreciate the trust adults have been giving me. I have always found it annoying when an adult assumed that I wasn't "mature enough to handle a situation" or "was too young to understand" blah blah blah. The truth is, yeah, I'm not very old. But I'm not very young either. The fact that I am now respected is actually very nice and relieving. 

I feel like being a teenager can be very difficult though, when you really think about it. Society acts as if we are immature and moan about everything, but it's true. Because we're in the transition years where we are not ready for many aspects of adulthood, though at the same time we are not children and shouldn't be spoken down to, adults rarely know how to speak to us. 

Tomorrow morning, I will be leaving to start my first day of a two-week-long work experience, and all week teachers have been reminding all of Year 10 how we will be "treated as adults", and I just think that is going to be so weird. For the past eleven years of my life, I have not even been given the permission to pee when I want to, and suddenly I am all capable and responsible. I am an "adult", and will be treated as one by my fellow adults, and I find that really cool. Obviously I know that work is work, and I will not be all OOH FREEDOM, and do whatever I want regardless of the consequences because I'M AN ADULT NOW, because I will be getting down to my work and not abusing the responsibility I am given, but... I don't know. I'm confused. 

Of course, I am looking forward to my work experience. I'm working in an actual dressing up shop, which was my first choice, is probably the coolest thing that has ever happened ever, so I am extremely happy about that!! It's also going to be really interesting for me to get a clear idea of how a professional working environment works and how I will be treated in any future jobs, but I know for a fact that it will also be terrifying. I'm going to have to get used to a whole new way of working, both with and without other people, and as you have probably guessed by now, I am not great at being thrown into new environments. 

Nevertheless, like I did when I was taken from the primary school I had been in for seven years and thrown into the crazy and confusing world of secondary school, I know that I will accustom myself to it and try my hardest. I will not let my fear stop me from making the most of the experience. 

The whole thing has made me realise how fast we are growing up though. Soon, I could have a proper job like this. I have friends who have jobs - my best friend Katie works in a bar and some of my other friends have small jobs like paper-rounds and babysitting. For them, this is just like trying out a different kind of job, while for me it is a completely different story. 

And it's not just the jobs. 
I have friends who, next year, are going to attempt to get their driving licenses. 
We are approaching the end of Year 10, meaning that we are verging Year 11 territory, and after Year 11 is the deep, endless void of THE REAL WORLD *shudders*
I have just completed my first round of GCSE science exams and I have no idea how I did other than the fact that physics is not my strong point *tries to laugh it off but ends up violently sobbing instead*

This has basically all that has been going on in my mind for quite a while now. It's thrilling and daunting, so I'm not really sure how I'm feeling about it other than that I have been anticipating it for so long now. The one thing that I'm definitely certain of is that no matter how old and responsible I become, I will never stop doing the things that make me childishly happy, like going on sleepovers, concerts, and my old primary school's summer fetes. 

Give me your opinions on growing up and general nostalgia in the comments :)
Speak to you soon, 
Lucy x

Currently listening to:

(strangely appropriate but coincidental)

My latest YouTube video:

(warning: by the end, we are all very hyper!)

I just realised that both of these are 5sos themed. #sorrynotsorry

I am so ready for half term.

Hey guys! 
I hope you had a wonderful Valentines Day, regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not, because your happiness matters more than your relationship status!
Personally, I spent my Valentines Day having a sleepover at my friend's house, because all of us there didn't really care about the whole "Valentines Day" thing, and just felt like eating a chocolate orange while watching "The Maze Runner" (which is simply amazing, by the way). 

I feel like people are put under too much stress when it comes to Valentines Day though. Like, if you're in a relationship, I hope you're happy and you have a lovely time. And if you're single, then so what? I would much rather be single at comfortable with my relationship status than force myself into a relationship where I don't really feel anything towards the other person. 
Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest. Mini-rant over.

So I've had a kind of stressful week, partly because of rushed course work (that I think turned out alright in the end) and partly because of some other stuff that I'm almost definitely not allowed to mention online - don't worry though, I'm fine now!

But how are you? I feel like as soon as it comes to the end of school, everyone gets kind of tired and moody. I don't think this ever really happens to me, but I am usually surrounded with irritable people just before the holidays and I think it's easy to feel like you're treading on eggshells during the last week. 
It's also quite hard to remember to be nice and especially polite during the last week when you are just counting down the days until the holidays and internally groaning for 5 days. Don't get me wrong, school itself isn't bad or anything (after having the flu recently, school seemed heavenly!) - I am definitely not complaining about my school. I just feel like everyone needed a break to relax.

Another reason why I get SO BLOODY EXCITED about the holidays this time every year is because my birthday is on the 19th of February, and this time I actually remembered to plan something for the occasion! 
Basically, last year I waited until about two days before my actual birthday to plan things, and in the end it turned out that everyone was busy anyway, so I had to invite a few people round the day afterwards.
This year though, I was super organised and made invites and all that kind of stuff and UGH I CANNOT EVEN EXPLAIN HOW EXCITED I AM. 

I am going to calm myself down now before I just start smashing the keyboard. 

I will not announce the theme of the party in case I want to vlog parts of the party or blog about it afterwards, but I feel like I have picked a great theme and can't wait to show you my costume (as long as I can actually gather the correct stuff for it).

*crosses fingers*

What is it that you look forward to the most during the holidays? Tell me in the comments :)

Speak to you soon, 

Lucy x

Liebster Award no.2 (as well as no.3!)

Hey guys :)

So I've had to look back at my last "Liebster Award" blog post in order to remember how exactly this things works, and I think I've got the hang of things, so here we go! :)

I have actually been nominated for the Liebster Award twice this week - once by ohemgeeitsmaya (Maya) and then again by Pen&Key (Eve), so I will have double the amount of questions.

Be prepared for a long blog post! :3


Rules:

• Thank and link the person who nominated you.
• Answer the questions given by the nominator
• Nominate 11 other bloggers (Who have less then 200 followers) and link them.
• Create 11 new questions for the nominees to answer
• Notify all nominees via social media/blogs!

Maya's Questions:

1) What is all time favourite item of clothing?

Probably a little dress of mine with stripes on the top and a cool flower pattern on the bottom. Otherwise I would basically say "any massive fluffy jumper I own!" :)

2) Name your top three favourite people

OH MY GOSH THIS IS SO HARD. 

I have no idea - I really can't choose! If you asked me about my top 15 favourite people I might be able to answer. 

For the sake of the question though, I would say my friends Katie, Faith and Ellie.

3) Name your top three favourite celebrities

Taylor Swift, Jennifer Lawrence and Michael Clifford.

4) First memory?

I have this really blurry memory of my mum walking me to school on my first day of Reception, but like quite a few of my memories, I probably just made that one up. 

My first definite one is me crying really hysterically because I didn't want to go to into school to Reception (I got really homesick when I was younger). 

I realise that this memory is probably quite anticlimactic - I promise that I was jolly sometimes as a kid! 

5) When was the time you've laughed the hardest?

There are so many times in my life where I have laughed so hard it hurt - the last time I recall this happening was when I was in town with my friend Katie, and we heard this man behind us who was with his friend, and was previously saying stuff like "Wassup blad, y'alright yeh?" scream "NOOO STEEEPHEEN!!!" in this really posh voice. 

It. Was. AMAZING. 

6) Favourite book

It is SO HARD TO CHOOSE!!!

I would probably have to say "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky :)

7) Favourite movie

10 Things I Hate About You - Kat Stratford is my role model!

8) Favourite band

Paramore or 5 Seconds of Summer (I said this in my first YouTube video but somehow it came out as "Paramore or 5 Seconds auo Summer" - I don't know how). 

9) Are you left or right handed?

Right handed. 

10) Look behind you. 

    Which shoulder did you look over?

My right shoulder. 

Eve's Questions:

1) If you could learn any language, what would it be?

French, because it would really help me for my GCSEs!

2) If you could re-pick your options, what would you study?

I would probably be really boring and not change anything, there isn't any subject I particularly regret. I kind of wish I had been able to take Health and Social like some of my friends do, but I only had four options!

3) If you had a one-way trip to anywhere, and a spare ticket for someone else, where would you go, and who would you take?

Assuming that this contract does not include fictional universes, I would probably visit Venice with my friend Ellie :)

4) If you could rewrite the ending of any book, what's the book and what would you change?

I would rewrite Mockingjay and bring back all of the character I loved who died (no spoilers - most of them). 

5) If you were stuck on an island, what three things would you have with you?

A boat, iodine (that's the thing you use for water, right?) and a book on how to survive when stuck on an island. 

6) If you could share a house with any 5 people (dead or alive), who would you share a house with?

My friend Katie

My friend Ellie

My friend Faith

Taylor Swift (because Taylor Swift)

ThatcherJoe/Joe Sugg, just so I could prank my friends :)

7) If you could take charge of your country for a day, what would   you do/change?

AAAAH - RESPONSIBILITES. 

I would probably just panic and give everyone free cookies to keep them happy. Also I would replace our flag with a picture of Benedict Otterbatch or something, just to confuse everyone. 

8) If you could collect anything, what would you collect?

Unicorns :3

9) If you were to set yourself a reminder that popped up every day   for the rest of your life, what would it say? 

I have a reminder like this when I wake up in the morning every day - my alarm is called "RISE AND SHINE MOFO, IT'S A BRAND NEW DAY". 

However, due to the fact that this Dan quote does not apply to every situation, my reminder would probably say "If you can get through this, you can have a cookie afterwards" - I find this very motivational and I think it would help me through quite a few tests!

10) If you were to travel back to any historical period, which would you visit?

This one's extremely hard, because every historical period seems to have it's downside... I would probably go back to any time in history when inequality was a big issue and stand up for those who were treated unfairly (because I could, I guess!). 

So those are my 20 questions! Wow, that took a long time. 

I always have a hard time finding people to tag, and since this tag is spreading like crazy amongst the blogs I read, I literally have none! (awkward)

I actually read a lot of blogs, I just don't feel like I know any of the people writing them well enough to tag them. I would tag Maya and Eve, but I think they need a break after tagging each other, haha :)

Speak to you soon, 

Lucy x

First day of school

As you can probably guess, today was my first day of school. It was actually better than I expected :)

The day started out with a 30 minute lie-in, as school started later today than it does usually. This basically meant extra sleep and watching YouTube videos, both of which I consider to be a great use of my time :3
When I got to school, I was given my timetable, which I was extremely happy about, as I got into all the subjects I put down for my GCSEs! These subjects consisted of French, History, Drama and Media Studies :) I was quite lucky to get into Media Studies, as not many people do. 

I thought I would panic more about meeting so many new people as well as some people I haven't spoken to since I was 11, but it was actually less nerve wracking than I thought it would be. Even in my first lesson of the day I was in with one of my best friends who I had never had a lesson with before, so that calmed me down a bit, and all the people I spoke to seemed nice :)

If you started school recently, how was it? Tell me down in the comments :) 

Best wishes,
Lucy x