Run Away - A Poem

There are some days when I want to run away. 
Not like they do in movies,
where the rebellious teenager leaves home
to prove a point to their overbearing parents,

But simply to escape life,
to a world without people,
where there is no one to keep track of time
or tell me right from wrong. 

A world where I can take off,
leaving all my worries back down on the ground,
soaring higher and higher until they become
tiny specks in the distance. 
Far beneath me at last. 

I think these thoughts on days when
classrooms are cages and
friendships are flimsy branches
that tremble beneath my toes.

On these days, I would want nothing more
but to feel the wind beneath the wings
that beat in time to my racing heartbeat. 

But even golden moments don't last forever,
and I know that it would be only a matter of time
before gravity caught up with me,
sending me hurting back down to Earth,
the branches of the trees scraping me
as I descend through the canopy,
the land finally crushing my wings.

Which is why I know I need to stay in the nest. 


After the very positive response I received on my last poem video, I thought it might be cool to share another one. Please feel free to tell me what you think in the comments and click "like" on the video if you enjoy it :) Hopefully, I'll be uploading another video fairly soon, too. 

Speak to you soon,
Lucy x

The end of a year.

Tomorrow is the last day of Year 10, which also means that it is the last day of school before we officially start exam year, which feels very weird. For years now, my GCSEs have seemed very distant, and general attitude being "If you got a good grade in your test - great! If not, you still have ages before your actual exams! You'll be fine!!". 

Only now, it is different. Our GCSE exams are suddenly upon us and there is no one there to brush it off and say "You'll be fine, it's not the real thing!". 

I don't know why this comes as much as a surprise to me. Although it often excites me, I've never been great with change, and there is something terrifying about getting a bad grade on a test and someone then speculating what that will mean for my future, even if it may not be the real thing. 

Either way, I technically did start my GCSEs this year in that I took my since exams: biology, physics and chemistry (I meant to write about these but, as you can probably imagine, I didn't have much time on my hands!). Sadly, I'm not too great at science. I don't have a very technical brain - I am more creative. My favourite subjects are English and drama, mainly because I like the way both of these things can spark emotion in people as well as empathise with them. I enjoy creating characters and creating situations just as much as I enjoy playing them and throwing myself into those situations.

Although I do like that I am deeply interested in these things, sometimes I do wish that my talents laid in the technical subjects, such as maths, the sciences and ICT. Quite often I stumble across this post on tumblr that expresses how, when students struggle with creative/arty subjects, they are simply reassured that they just don't have a "creative mind" or whatever, whereas when a student struggles with technical subjects, people assume that they are stupid. As someone who often struggled with technical subjects, that post speaks to me a lot. A few months ago I quit my weekly maths tutoring that had been going on for roughly a year (I think) and it was SUCH A RELIEF. Although the place was alright and the people were friendly, I can definitely think of better things to do on my Friday evenings or Saturday mornings than walking up the road to do simultaneous equations or some stupid crap where I would stare at a jumble of signs and numbers with my brain screaming "WAAAT". Since then, my maths has improved A LOT (considering the fact that when I turned up, I couldn't do basic multiplications that I should have learnt in Year 4, or subtract large amounts without using a number line - basically, there were massive gaps in my knowledge!). 

But when it came to sciences, I was still slightly wobbly. I tend to be alright at biology - in some cases, it can genuinely interest me, especially when we are learning about the brain and how it works (just please don't make me dissect anything because I don't personally agree with it, okay). Chemistry and physics tend to be the dodgy ones. However, when it came to my GCSEs, I had to forget that. In the weeks building up to those exams, I revised like hell. This meant a lot of burying my head in textbooks and moaning to my mum that the information in them were just LOTS OF WORDS IN A RANDOM ORDER. 

Honestly, I'd like to tell you how they went, but I have absolutely no idea. I just remember that I was horribly ill and the time (wow, great time to fail me, Immune System - just in time for my first GCSEs!!) and had to suppress my snuffles throughout each and every exam - I just didn't want to be that one kid who sneezes really loudly right in the middle of the test!

We were all so nervous. I got to the end of every exam and had no idea how I'd done or what kind of grade I might receive in August - I was in shock, especially after my very first one. I remember it was a biology exam and I was scared like hell, but I was told that I looked confident because I did what I do before performing. I put on a smile like I knew something that everyone else didn't/I was about to turn the place to the ground, stood up straight and held my head high. It's amazing how confident it can make me feel, especially when I want nothing more than to escape the situation I'm in. 

At first, I was fine. Among a sea of flustered, panicky people, I held my sandwich bag full of everything I would need (pencils, pens, etc.) and pulled my most dangerous face. Afterwards was different. 

As soon as we left the exam hall and everyone started gushing about the exam, some exclaiming "It was so easy" or "It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be!" and some with a horror-struck look on their face that screamed "OH-SHIT-OH-SHIT-OH-SHIT". 

I was on a completely new level, staring into the distance in a kind of trance. 

This spell broke as we approached our lockers to retrieve our bags and I started messing around with my friends as I had suddenly become really hyper. In the end, things got a bit out of hand and I dropped a very heavy lock on my friend's hand as she was crouched on the floor, which looked very very very painful, and I kind of cracked out of the sudden shock, as my hyper-ness was immediately replaced with the all the fear I had for my future. 

I think it would have been better if I had been certain of my grades, because then I wouldn't have to endure the terror or uncertainty. My friends immediately put me back in place by exploding into the rant of "LUCY WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE SO SMART SHH" that I usually hear whenever I have a freak-out like this. 

Even now, I still don't know how I did. My results come in August, so that shall be interesting. Nevertheless, I know that there's nothing I could possibly do to change them now. 

I think that when people think of your last years of secondary school though, they often forget that exams aren't the only things going on. I have changed and grown so much over the past year, and I just think that there's so much else that you can also focus on. 

For instance, I have had very few panic attacks this year as I have become better at controlling and stopping them when I feel them coming. 

I have become better at telling people how I feel in order to make things right. 

I have formed quite a few new friendships and have strengthened some older ones.

I started my YouTube channel and reached over 100 subscribers. 

My blog reached its one year anniversary(!!!!). 

Yeah - I totally forgot that initially! I realised this just before I started writing this, like "Hey, didn't I start my blog just before the summer holidays last year?" and yeah, it did... three days ago (oops!). It's such a crazy thought. These kinds of things don't really cross my mind. 

Thank you to everyone who reads my blog today, whether you found it yesterday or were one of the very first readers :) Feel free to leave your blog in the comments if you'd like me to check it out!

I'm going to leave you now as I struggle to make last-minute after school plans with my friends :) Happy holidays to all of you!

Speak to you soon, 
Lucy x

Drowning - a poem

In the begininning, I'm floating,
my body resting peacefully on the clear blue water
that stretches out as far as the eye can see.
Blissfully unaware.

I don't see the tidal wave coming.
It has built up over a long time,
constructed of my anxieties and fears and doubts,
I can feel it, even before it reaches me,
though I cannot see it. 

It plagues the sea.
The sky that was once calm and peaceful
is now dark and enraged.
The lightning that slices through the clouds 
reaches out to grab me,
and the water threatens to envelop me 
at any moment. 

And then the wave is upon me,
crashing into me,
knocking me off balance.
Suddenly, I have forgotten what it is to float.

At first, I trash around, 
trying to grip onto something, anything,
in order to feel stable again,
but I feel only the water slipping through my fingertips. 

I am slowly being submerged
by the thing that was once supporting me.
I feel my heart plunge into the depths,
sinking. 

My chin is just above the water now. 
I scream for help, but there is no one to be seen. 

In my mouth, I begin to taste salt. 

Eventually, I stop struggling
and let myself fall. 
Immediately, I feel the water stinging my eyes
and filling my nose.
I can't breathe. 

I hit the bottom,
the impact releasing the last of the air from my lungs. 

At that moment, I see them;
the people on their raft,
the people who could have saved me. 
I hear their muffled, familiar voices,
talking, laughing,
as they glide across the glimmering water,
Blissfully unaware.

I wrote this poem yesterday at one o'clock in the morning, as my mind was refusing to shut up and I felt that the only way I could get past this was through writing (this kind of thing happens regularly!). I think it's reasonably good for something that was written while I was incredibly sleep deprived - my eyes were actually blurring from the tiredness! 

Although I love writing (like, a lot) I don't usually write poetry, and haven't done so in over a year, I think. It's only something I've ever done for school, but apparently I also like doing it at 1am on a Sunday too... 

Please leave a comment on my video or leave a comment below telling me what you think, and click "like" if you enjoy this style of video. This kind of thing is very new for me - as you will have discovered from my last blog post, I write a lot, though I don't often share it - so it would be nice to get some feedback :)

Speak to you soon, 
Lucy x

The Wheelbarrow - Descriptive Writing

This post is going to be very different from the content I usually post, as it is a piece of descriptive writing that I started in my last English lesson. Although I do very much enjoy writing, I've never shared a fiction piece on my blog, despite the fact that I have used wattpad many times in the past. I hope you enjoy :)

Sending the wheelbarrow hurtling over the cracked, uneven slabs of pavement, it was like looking at life in slow-motion. Everything seemed so vibrant, so bright, even on that grey winters day in the grimy, concrete street. I watched as Alice threw her back back over the side of the end of the red, rusted wheelbarrow in glee, her crazed laugh bringing an instant smile to my face, as it always did. Her cream bonnet almost flew off in the breeze, and she squealed, clapping her hand over her head, steadying herself by clinging to the edge with the other. Honey blonde curls escaped from her intricate, pin-up hairstyle, bouncing about her freckled face. Her emerald green eyes were gleaming, staring straight at me, making me feel as if everything else in the world was gone until there was only her. Everything about her seemed to glow, leaving me incapable of doing anything but basking in her light. 

I know it's a bit random. We had to look at a drawing called 'Blackstairs' by L.S. Lowrie and write descriptions of the different characters and their backgrounds. This one is of The Wheelbarrow Children - which I decided weren't just children, but lovers (because I literally need to ship everyone I see!). Looking at a higher-resolution version of the piece, I can see now that the people aren't anything like that (I have a feeling they might be a father and son), but it's too late now. I hope you like my writing anyway :)

Let me know if you'd like to see any more of my writing, because I actually tend to write a lot, haha. 

Speak to you soon, 
Lucy x

My latest YouTube video:

In memory of Hayley the guinea pig

? - 01/07/15

A Very Important Phone Call

The title sounds really ominous, doesn't it? It's something a term that you can imagine a professional and capable adult saying. Like you're waiting to hear back from your possible future employer, or you're trying to arrange a business meeting. It doesn't sound like a term I should be using. 

Despite this, these were the words that were running through my head as I dialed the number for my work experience placement. I remember them very clearly as my mum had to tell my sister to Please get off YouTube! so that our connection wouldn't fail while I tried to collect the details of my work next week. I was absolutely terrified, and these words stuck with me, refusing to leave me be. 
A very important phone call.
A very important phone call. 

They sounded so alien, and... well... grown up. 

I've never really liked the idea of growing up (#PeterPanProblems). For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a teenager, around 16 years old (though to be honest, I think that this is mainly because the girl who was my best friend throughout childhood was fixated on it), though I've never wanted to be grown up. Growing up means responsibilities and bills and things I didn't even want to begin to consider. 

Don't get me wrong, responsibilities can be cool. Now that I am in Year 10 and 15 years old, I have began to appreciate the trust adults have been giving me. I have always found it annoying when an adult assumed that I wasn't "mature enough to handle a situation" or "was too young to understand" blah blah blah. The truth is, yeah, I'm not very old. But I'm not very young either. The fact that I am now respected is actually very nice and relieving. 

I feel like being a teenager can be very difficult though, when you really think about it. Society acts as if we are immature and moan about everything, but it's true. Because we're in the transition years where we are not ready for many aspects of adulthood, though at the same time we are not children and shouldn't be spoken down to, adults rarely know how to speak to us. 

Tomorrow morning, I will be leaving to start my first day of a two-week-long work experience, and all week teachers have been reminding all of Year 10 how we will be "treated as adults", and I just think that is going to be so weird. For the past eleven years of my life, I have not even been given the permission to pee when I want to, and suddenly I am all capable and responsible. I am an "adult", and will be treated as one by my fellow adults, and I find that really cool. Obviously I know that work is work, and I will not be all OOH FREEDOM, and do whatever I want regardless of the consequences because I'M AN ADULT NOW, because I will be getting down to my work and not abusing the responsibility I am given, but... I don't know. I'm confused. 

Of course, I am looking forward to my work experience. I'm working in an actual dressing up shop, which was my first choice, is probably the coolest thing that has ever happened ever, so I am extremely happy about that!! It's also going to be really interesting for me to get a clear idea of how a professional working environment works and how I will be treated in any future jobs, but I know for a fact that it will also be terrifying. I'm going to have to get used to a whole new way of working, both with and without other people, and as you have probably guessed by now, I am not great at being thrown into new environments. 

Nevertheless, like I did when I was taken from the primary school I had been in for seven years and thrown into the crazy and confusing world of secondary school, I know that I will accustom myself to it and try my hardest. I will not let my fear stop me from making the most of the experience. 

The whole thing has made me realise how fast we are growing up though. Soon, I could have a proper job like this. I have friends who have jobs - my best friend Katie works in a bar and some of my other friends have small jobs like paper-rounds and babysitting. For them, this is just like trying out a different kind of job, while for me it is a completely different story. 

And it's not just the jobs. 
I have friends who, next year, are going to attempt to get their driving licenses. 
We are approaching the end of Year 10, meaning that we are verging Year 11 territory, and after Year 11 is the deep, endless void of THE REAL WORLD *shudders*
I have just completed my first round of GCSE science exams and I have no idea how I did other than the fact that physics is not my strong point *tries to laugh it off but ends up violently sobbing instead*

This has basically all that has been going on in my mind for quite a while now. It's thrilling and daunting, so I'm not really sure how I'm feeling about it other than that I have been anticipating it for so long now. The one thing that I'm definitely certain of is that no matter how old and responsible I become, I will never stop doing the things that make me childishly happy, like going on sleepovers, concerts, and my old primary school's summer fetes. 

Give me your opinions on growing up and general nostalgia in the comments :)
Speak to you soon, 
Lucy x

Currently listening to:

(strangely appropriate but coincidental)

My latest YouTube video:

(warning: by the end, we are all very hyper!)

I just realised that both of these are 5sos themed. #sorrynotsorry

I Can't Even Technology (and other holiday stuff)

Here in England, is the one week holidays, which is amazing after having to push through all three science exams during the last two weeks of term, but there are going so fast! I hope that you are having a nice time, regardless of whether or not you are on holiday right now or not :)

One thing I have been telling myself throughout these holidays is: This is it. After all the revision and the stress and the exams, this is your chance to finally make all the YouTube videos you've been planning. This is yet another reason why I have been looking forward to the holidays so much - I love making YouTube videos and recently I have been given next to no time to do that, and that has upset me. I just really feel like I should do something for me, and not because the education system tells me I have to do it. 

There was one video that I was particularly looking forward to making: my braces video. I got my braces off around four weeks ago now and have been desperate to talk about my two-year experience with braces ever since, but revision just kept getting in the way. I was trying to balance revision, other homework, and socialising (because without free time with friends I think I would have gone actually insane!), and YouTube just didn't fit in. 

I finally filmed my braces video two days ago, which made me very happy as I have missed making videos so much recently, and felt like I had a lot to say. To be honest, I wasn't really sure exactly how the video was going to turn out on the whole, but I was quite proud of it at the same time!

Aaaand then came the editing. What a lot of people don't understand when they think of how much effort YouTubers put into their videos is just how much time is spent editing after the camera stops running. If I want to upload a video on the same day as filming it, I have to dedicate an entire day to that specific video and focus on barely anything else. In my videos, I use Windows Movie Maker - it's definitely not the greatest software ever, but it is free, I can just about get my head around it, and it hadn't ever failed me... yet.

I had just finished editing my video, and was happy with the results. It tried saving it to my computer, which is never usually problematic, and it didn't look like it was going to be. It was saving at the same rate as usual, until....
98%

BAM.
An error message appeared on the screen and all of my progress disappeared, turning each section of the video into tiny yellow triangles with exclamation marks inside. 
Okaaay, that's weird. I've uploaded videos much longer than this before..., I thought, googling the error message, but nothing useful came up. People were experiencing the same problem, but no one had a solution. I tried and tried to save the video, but the same error message kept appearing. I asked my dad for help, because he is good with computers and basically all of the stuff that I am bad at, but he just kinda came to the conclusion that my software sucks and I wouldn't be able to upload my video unless I got some new software. 

The problem is that all other software (and I mean the good software, not the kind of software that is free, glitchy and leaves a watermark on your video - trust me, I have used many types of software in the past!) is really bloody expensive. Like, seriously, I discovered that the software that we use in media studies at school is actually hundreds of pounds. The problem is that I do not have any money, because the kind of people who buy this software have money and jobs of their own. I, however, am an unemployed 15-year-old schoolgirl, therefore I do not own any money of my own. 

For now, I don't know what I'm really going to do about the whole I-can't-edit-any-YouTube-videos-from-now-on-thing. My dad has suggested another piece of editing software, but it would require a lot of time and effort to get onto my laptop, so I'm not sure just yet. 

So I guess this blog post is my way of apologising for my serious lack of YouTube videos. I don't like to feel like I don't put a lot of effort into my YouTube videos, because I do - I put a hell of a lot of time and effort in, and I really enjoy it! It's just that sometimes I struggle. 

Other than this, I have really enjoyed the holidays, however short they may be. I haven't had a chance to see many of my friends yet, because quite a few of them have been on holiday, but we have arranged a massive sleepover on Saturday due to a deal we made at my old primary school's summer fete - two of my friends entered the movie-themed collection box about a bazillion times, and we decided that if they won, then we would have a proper movie night ...and they did! It was literally the most amazing moment as our old head teacher called out my friend's name and we all screamed simultaneously, my friend practically skipped as he went to pick up his winnings! We were most definitely the most excited people there - even more excited than any of the children who won anything. 
That was a good day :) I'm really looking forward to seeing them. 

I feel like this break has been great for my health too. As I would, I was ill during the last two weeks of term - the weeks in which we had exams. It was literally the most inconvenient thing ever, I felt like hell. Do you know what it's like to sniffle in an exam hall filled with the majority of your year group and half of the year above and have the sound echo? I do. 

Two of my friends also had the same illness, and we couldn't afford to take time off school. On the Saturday after school ended, my friends tried to arrange a trip to go swimming, but me and another friend pulled out because:
1) Hanging out in town and buying weirdly flavoured drinks while ill is a lot better than swimming while ill
2) We didn't have to worry about diseasing each other because we were both equally as gross!

Hmm... what else have I done in the holidays? Let's see... 
1) I've stayed up until 3am (not because I think it's cool or anything - because I have trouble getting to sleep!)
2) I've slept in until midday (see number 1)
3) I've eaten tons and tons of junk food (examples include rocky road and oreos)
4) I've started writing a story about dragons (don't ask unless you want me to start screaming in capslock about dragons - you have been warned!)

Honestly, I think that's just about it. Tell me what the past week has been like for you down in the comments :)
Speak to you soon, 
Lucy xx

The Creative Blogger Award

I was very kindly tagged for this post by Eve from Pen & Key - if you haven't checked out her blog already, I seriously advise that you do :) Her posts are really brilliant and she is an incredibly talented and generally lovely person! Thanks Eve <3

The way that this tag works is that you give five facts about yourself and then tag anyone who you would like to also do the tag. I'm not sure what kind of facts I'm supposed to give, so I'll just give completely random ones. I hope that's okay :)

Facts About Me

1) I am currently reading "All I Know Now" by Carrie Hope Fletcher (aka ItsWayPastMyBedtime). She is one of my favourite YouTubers and I was incredibly excited when the book arrived in the post this morning! So far, I think it's great. I'm not usually too interested these days when YouTubers release books, because I feel like it doesn't really mean anything any more. There have been issues with ghost writing with many of their books, those with this book I never really looked at it like that. I feel like Carrie is a really genuine and lovely person, and never saw her book as "just another book by a YouTuber". 

2) I had braces for two years and got them off a week and a day ago. I am currently planning a YouTube video on braces, in which I discuss the things I wish I'd been told about them. I'm hoping people will find it helpful :)

3) In my theatre group, our next performance will be "The Addams Family: Family Values". I will be playing Wednesday Addams, which I am really happy about! As soon as we were told about the play, I was desperately wanted the role. A lot of people tell me that I remind them of Wednesday, though I'm never sure whether they're joking or not. Either way, I like to think of it as a compliment because I think she's awesome!

4) I have been trying to discover more rock music, and I am not obsessed with Panic! At The Disco and All Time Low! I basically blame my friends for suggesting this music to me, they have ruined my life. 

5) The last time I went shopping, I bought a pair of black skinny jeans and a black and grey striped jumper (you can probably guess by now that I have run out of things to say about myself!).

Because basically all of my blogging friends have already been tagged for this, I would like to tag anyone who is reading this blog post and is up for the tag. It may seem like the easy option, but I never really know who to tag! If you do this, please leave the link to your blog post in the comments :)

Speak to you soon, 
Lucy xx

My latest YouTube video: