The Simple Things

This is the YouTube video I will never make. 

When I make videos about serious subjects, I want my audience to be able to take something away from it - a point, a message, a piece of advice they can apply to their own lives, or maybe just something that brightens up their day (hopefully). I don't solely focus on my own problems because I don't think there's much people can actually take away from that - it's not really helpful to anyone and, let's face it, few people would find it very interesting or engaging. 

My YouTube channel is where everything goes public. People I know watch my videos - friends, people from school and, occasionally, family members. Talking about an issue of my own would make me feel completely exposed. Once something is out on my channel publicly, people can take what they want from it - love it or hate it. Although I don't tend to care what people think of me (as caring about such things would limit my life is more ways than I care to think about), there are just some things that you just don't share about your personal life. 

They say that, on your YouTube channel, you share the best part of your personality; the best part of who you are; and for me, that's my strong opinions, my creativity, and my ability to offer people advice and different ways of looking at life. I share my advice because I've gone through something difficult, or have watched a person/people I know go through the same thing, and have come out stronger from the experience, and confident that my view can help others. 

But what happens when it's me who's struggling?

As some of you may have noticed, I've not been great at producing content recently. Actually, it's been completely impossible. Yes, I've not really posted/uploaded anything so far in 2016, but it's more than that. For a very long time, I lost my motivation to write - not just on my blog, but in general - and content making was an extremely slow. And, as I will be attempting to explain through this blog post, it may continue to be on-and-off. 

I have wanted mental health to be a part of my blog from the very beginning. The second blog post I ever wrote was entitled "Dealing with friends and depression", and it was on this blog that I discovered and opened up about my social anxiety. When I started my blog as fourteen-year-old Fetus-Lucy, I had come out of a bad place and situation that had hung over me like a heavy fog for the past three months, and I wanted to open up in the hope that I could somehow help others. 

I want you to know that I'm struggling with my mental health right now. I don't know how else to explain it, because it's not a specific thing that's been getting to me, it's everything at once. The simplest of things have been too much, recently, and there will be days where I can't function as efficiently as I would like. On these days, I would rather focus on my health than my content because that's what's right for me, regardless of how long I have abandoned my blog for or my uploading schedule. I have a piece of paper blue-tacked to the wall next to my bed of Things I Want to Do - not necessarily self-care things, but just things that will motivate me to do something and function as a person for the day.

My favourite thing right now is photography (as you will know if you follow my instagram, as I've spammed people a bit), no matter how ameteur it is. I don't even have to leave the house to find something I like - sometimes it's as simple as finding an angle or perspective I think is interesting. 

One of my favourite things is our kitchen light.

(hey, I know I'm not a professional, but it's something I enjoy)

I'm hoping that it can inspire me to go out and do things, too. Although taking funny-angled pictures of our sort-of chandelier can be cool, I want to be motivated to explore. Lying down on the kitchen table looking slightly insane isn't the same as a good day out. 

It's very easy to take nice photos of our dog, even when his nose is covered in chalk!

I think that's all I have to say on the matter, right now. I'm not really sure where things are going from here, because each day seems to carry a lot of uncertainty. I just really wanted to be honest with you, because I feel like my blog is more about me than any creative projects, messages, deep pieces of advice or How Much I Hate Donald Trump (which is just my channel at the moment). I hope you understand that. 

Lucy x

New Year's Resolutions: Rewind

This isn't going to be a blog post where I set myself New Year's Resolutions, but instead I would like to look back at the resolution I set myself last year. I feel like, although we are hopeful in January that we will manage to transform our lives for the better throughout the course of the year ahead, we never really stop at any point to see whether we have actually seen our goals through. 

To see this year's resolutions, you can watch my YouTube video here:

Now is the time to put my resolution skills to the test. About this time last year, I wrote a blog post setting myself one goal for 2015: to ease myself into situations that I may not feel completely comfortable in. 

Honestly, I feel like I have a long way to go with this one, though I am proud of the progress I have made. One of the main focuses for this one is the fact that I would be attending quite a few concerts in 2015. This time last year, the idea of going to concerts was incredibly daunting. Although I love music as well as music artists (in 2015, I saw Taylor Swift and 5SOS), concerts have not been my kind of scene. They include many people and enclosed spaces - a nerve-wracking combination. 

I did struggle with concerts during 2015, a bit. Towards the end of the year, I attended one concert that was a little too crowded and suffocating, and I ended up being harassed by a drunk man twice my age (it was as fun as it sounds). In the end, I had to leave to narrowly avoid having a panic attack. Despite the humiliation and discomfort of the scary experience, I learned from it. In future, I will know that, if I feel at all uncomfortable or close to a panic attack in another situation like this, to leave instead of hanging round to see if it gets better, as I did at the time. I will know who to trust (and by that I mean a little more than questioning the company of 30ish-year-old men), and who will not be helpful in this scenario. There will be some people who will be conscious of my well-being and there will be some who are caught up in the moment and atmosphere. 

Also, note to self: bouncers are not authority figures, and they will not help if things start to go wrong (unless violence is involved, in which case, it is within their job description).

Although this experience was horrible at the time, I now know what and what not to do to ensure that the same thing does not occur again. The rest of my concert experiences in 2015 have been incredible - Taylor Swift put on an amazing show, as usual (she even brought Cara Delevigne!!!), and my friends and I were so hyped at the end of the 5SOS Birmingham concert that I wasn't sure I would ever get to sleep! I have been given a bit of an education on concerts, an although it was terrifying at times, I enjoyed it overall. Now I can look forward to my 2016 concerts (bring on the Sounds Good Feels Good tour!). 

Other than that, early-2015 me wanted me to speak my mind in 2015, and I can definitely say that I did that! I am now more accustomed to standing up for myself in situations where I feel that someone is wrong and/or offensive. I have developed more mature opinions and become a more open-minded person. Early-2015 me spoke about one incident in which I spoke my mind, and I have not stopped since. Inevitably, a lot of the time it still does make me anxious. I can leave discussions shaking and in need of fresh-air and some space, though I do not regret voicing my thoughts. I'd rather feel anxious about having said the thing than hating myself for not saying it later on.

I hope you achieved your 2015 resolutions and wish you the best of luck for your 2016 ones!

Best wishes,

Lucy x

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